“I feel invisible.”   “He is not the man I married.”  “We don’t do that, now do we?” “She thinks she knows me, but she doesn’t”

In my work with couples and families,  I like to encourage partners or family members to speak for themselves.  One way I do this is having individuals say “I” instead of “We”.    (Click here if you want more information on the theory behind this reasoning)

I practice this myself:  I intentionally write and speak in first person.  I found it hard at first, fearing I sounded selfish or egotistical.

However, I find getting to know “You and I”  is easier when the two) have not melded into a safe sounding,  ambiguous,  “We”.   As I personalize my speech I am able to enjoy one of the most gratifying parts of relationships:  catching  a glimpse of the other person’s uniqueness.  As I hold on to the “you and I” language, that discovery of each other can happen even in the most familiar relationships.  Such a little change…

Try it

I would like you to try this next  language modification:

Instead of saying  “we”   say “you and I”  or “_______and me”, or simply “I”.

If “we”  slips out,  claim a do over,  “We agreed..wait… I said I wanted to eat out and you said ok.”

I think you’ll notice a difference  right away.  I’ve heard some people say that this small change in language gave them clarity, and appreciation for one another.   I am aware that for some people saying “I” will feel risky and for some saying, “I” will feel surprisingly liberating.

I look forward to your comments and feedback.